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Tuesday 7th November
Today the bleeding is worse. We’ve had a blood test to find out whether I’m still pregnant. The results will be in tomorrow. Nick reminds me I missed out a picture in yesterday’s account – a close friend had a picture of the student group Nick runs – we were there with a baby.
Right now it feels like the dream is ending BUT yet through all I documented yesterday we tentatively cling to hope and feel confused between realism and trusting God and claiming with faith what we feel he has promised.
I have reflected today and find more lessons to be drawn from this experience even if the pregnancy ends. Many may call us foolish for involving so many people in the knowledge of our journey at such an early stage. Although we do not relish having to break bad news to so many people and have fears about how it may cause some to doubt if God answers prayers or keep his word/promises, we have no regrets. This is because we should not regret being open, honest and vulnerable with the Body of Christ who are our close family. Because they know they have prayed and supported us. When we had good news they celebrated with us. When bad signs present they grieve with us and continue to pray. We’ve seen tears of both joy and sorrow and have shared many prayer times and received many texts of love and encouragement. We’ve witnessed true community, love and care that we hope for in the family of God. It was definitely worth it. Talking about the Body of Christ (believers together/The Church) Paul writes: “If one part suffers, every part suffers with it, if one part is honoured, every part rejoices with it” (1 Corinthians 13). How can we do this unless we are vulnerable and honest, sharing openly what is causing us to suffer and causing us to rejoice?
Also, another benefit we have gained through this time, even and especially through the fears and disappointments, is that our marriage has been strengthened. We have stuck together so strongly and this has been possible as we have each individually drawn closer to God through all that has been happening and together we have prayed in a ways we have not done for some time.
I hope and pray that these lessons will take deep root in us so that we continue to feel close to God as individuals and as a couple, relying fully on him and so that we continue to grow as a community in our church family, the Body of Christ.
For now I will continue to hope and pray: “When I called you answered me; you made me bold and stout-hearted… Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life… The Lord will fulfil his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever – do not abandon the works of your hands”. (Psalm 138)
Wednesday 8th November
So today our worst fears were realised as the blood test results came back as negative – we are no longer pregnant. Though we had prepared ourselves that this was likely the finality of it still weighs heavy. It’s like we got so very close.
So we move forward with sadness. Yet I have anticipation in my heart because clearly God has spoken so we will wait to see just how he plans to accomplish what he has shown us.