Do you ever want to just sink? I wonder whether Peter, while sinking into the depths straight after walking on the waves, thought just for a moment that he expected this, or even deserved it. Certainly we see this in Elijah who just after smashing the prophets of Baal for six becomes depressed and borderline suicidal – ‘I’m the only one left’ he chimes ‘It would be better for me to die.’ Last week after four years of infertility we miscarried a child that was successfully conceived from our first try at IVF.
We had our positive pregnancy test on Friday and by Monday we had just about finished sharing our good news. Then on that evening I was scrapping the ice from the INSIDE(!) of the car windscreen to pop out and pick some people up who were coming to ours for a meeting, Anna appeared at the door. I knew straight away that something was wrong and when she confirmed that she had found some blood, I didn’t know what to do. We had a scheduled meeting that one person had already arrived for, I was picking two more people up and already late and to cancel it then would mean people might start putting two and two together. That night as I held Anna I prayed until I ran out of words and the one I had left was please, which I repeated mantra like until I feel asleep.
The next morning Anna came to me in tears after her bleeding had become worse and the mantra was continued until we received the results of the blood test which confirmed the miscarriage, then my mantra became why. Even though I cried this word over and over again, I knew it was reaction, and not a true reflection of how I felt. To be honest I didn’t and I don’t want to know why, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to come up with reasons why this may have happened, as I fear it is risking insanity. Also I cannot ignore how God responded to Job when he asked why after grief far greater than mine. So I don’t ask why, but I do feel the temptation to sink.
A friend of mine, while praying with me today felt they had a picture of me walking across a frozen river and the important thing was to focus on Jesus not the thickness of the ice I was walking on. I appreciated the prayer, but I wanted to ask ‘What if I want to sink?’ And what if I do? What if I want just for a minute to revel in my grief, to wonder if I deserve it, to claim I saw it coming because nothing good should happen to me. But like Peter I know that sooner or later I must stop looking at the waves and call out to Jesus and Matthew 14 tells me His response:
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.”
I may not know why, but I do know my Saviour.