It was Tuesday night. Anna had been bleeding heavily all day, and had a blood test earlier. The results would come the next day. Suffice to say I didn’t sleep much. Throughout the night I prayed please, please, please God, don’t let it be, let our baby live, let it be ok. I felt God speak to me on all the nights surrounding the miscarriage, but I remember that one with the most clarity.
First God said trust me. I reminded God that I had trusted Him all through the IVF process, but undeniably ‘Trust me’ was what He said. It was one of the reasons I remained optimistic, why I believed against the odds, why I did, and still do, hold on hope. Second, in the midst of my anguish God asked me to give Anna and the baby to Him. I can’t remember whether it was a sense that I should, or a desperate bargaining chip that I attempted to play. But I do remember doing it there and then, offering the two things I hold dearest in this world into God’s hands.
I don’t understand a lot of things. I don’t understand why God would let this happen after everything went so well with the IVF, I don’t understand why Anna and I who could provide a safe loving environment are struggling to conceive, when there are people out there who have children to increase their benefits. I don’t understand in any way shape or form miscarriage or how it could befall anyone, including the aforementioned benefit grabbers.
But I also don’t understand why people choose to believe in God and then limit His power to their puny imaginations, why the pursuit of understanding God has become more important than the pursuit of knowing God. I don’t understand why the creations think they know better than the Creator, and frequently remind Him of this in a myriad of imaginative ways. I don’t understand why it takes personal tragedy for me to start surrendering everything to God including the very thing that has most consumed my prayers and requests for the last four years. I don’t understand how I can find hope in despair, how I can feel strengthened through pain.
There are a lot of things I don’t understand, but mostly I don’t understand why I need to understand when faith is so much more liberating.