We are approaching four and a half years of trying for a baby. I look at other couples facing the same thing and sometimes compare my desire to have a child to theirs. I have wanted to be a father since a very young age, I couldn’t imagine that I would ever not be a father after getting married. But I have to confess that having a baby is not always top of my conscious list of desires, that I seem to be less desperate than other couples. You see, during the week, countless other things including the Gadget Show prize fund pull my attention away. Some people think I’m a bit strange for this, that having a baby should fill my every moment, that pursuing whatever it takes to get a child of my own should dominate the landscape of my life. But honestly? It doesn’t.
Maybe I’m guarding my emotions, protecting myself. Maybe I do completely trust God, and am learning to put His will before my own, or maybe I am just that cold hearted. To be honest at times it could be any one of these things. But then. Then my friend’s kid shares her crisps with me, or my niece tells me she loves me or throws a tantrum because she has to go to bed before I arrive. Then I see a video like this on YouTube:
At those times I am a mess. A cacophony of desire and sadness, a mix of learning to let go while holding on. Then I remember that however much I try to protect myself, in the end my heart will out. I recently had a dream that I believe God spoke to me through, the dream was about taking satisfaction from the wrong source, and then being surprised about the cost of doing this. Isaiah 55 says that instead we should buy from God:
Isaiah 55:1-3 ‘“Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
2 Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.
3 Give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live.’
Jesus says that whatever we fill our hearts with will eventually overflow out of our mouths. Whatever we put in will eventually shine out. What do I want to shine out? Sometimes shallow desires, sometimes a baby, but more and more Jesus.
What about you?