I don’t mean to or even want to, but it’s clear from the way I live my life that this is what ends up happening. I realised this recently when I found that I really really find it hard to live with the idea of people being upset, or angry with me. It doesn’t even have to be a number of people, one will do. It doesn’t matter if they are in the right or wrong, or if I have handled myself immaculately.
Friends can tell me that I’ve done the right thing and acted with integrity, if that one person is still annoyed with me, I feel it. It’s a feel that haunts my days, jabbing at my consciousness. Almost entirely irrelevant questions flood my mind – did I do the right thing? What should I have done differently? I flip between judging the other party and judging myself for being so stupid. This cycle can last for weeks. Last week I realised the truth that this points to –
I find my security in humans, not God.
This is something that needs reversing, and soon. I want the freedom to enjoy life without being chained to the expectations, hopes and dreams of others. I want to be free to love them, not love them to provide me with security. I want to be able to say –
Psalm 62:1-2 ‘My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.’
and mean it.