Last week I had the honour of being featured on the website threads. Threads is a blogging website that has …
At those times I am a mess. A cacophony of desire and sadness, a mix of learning to let go while holding on. Then I remember that however much I try to protect myself, in the end my heart will out. I recently had a dream that I believe God spoke to me through, the dream was about taking satisfaction from the wrong source, and then being surprised about the cost of doing this.
I don’t understand a lot of things. I don’t understand why God would let this happen after everything went so well with the IVF, I don’t understand why Anna and I who could provide a safe loving environment are struggling to conceive, when there are people out there who have children to increase their benefits. I don’t understand in any way shape or form miscarriage or how it could befall anyone, including the aforementioned benefit grabbers.
Four years ago Anna and I started trying for a baby. It didn’t happen and in August 2008, just before my 28th birthday, our worst fears were confirmed – an operation I’d had as a child had left me with a dramatically reduced sperm count. The first Doctor to inform us was obviously not to practised at giving bad news and muttered something about an occasional sperm without looking away from his computer screen, while my world fell apart.