On the afternoon of the day my emotions about being a dad caught up with my logic, I read these …
To be honest I didn’t and I don’t want to know why, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to come up with reasons why this may have happened, as I fear it is risking insanity. Also I cannot ignore how God responded to Job when he asked why after grief far greater than mine. So I don’t ask why, but I do feel the temptation to sink.
For now I will continue to hope and pray: “When I called you answered me; you made me bold and stout-hearted… Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life… The Lord will fulfil his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever – do not abandon the works of your hands”. (Psalm 138)
One of the patients we visited was a small baby who was waiting for a liver transplant. The poor little lad was full of tubes, and a strange shade of yellow. As we walked into the room his parents jokingly asked what blood type I was – to see if I would share a piece of my liver! And this set me thinking… why not?
I was broken, and I was furious. How could this happen? How could he do that? How could society allow that? How could God allow that?
Sometimes seeing the bigger picture causes us to lose track of the moment. Ben’s in the moment, he’s off to school for the first time and he’s not going to let this minor annoyance stop him. Would we be the same? Or would fear of the future freeze us in the present?
But being that lost in God scares me. It would not afford me the control I usually desire, and I’m scared about what it may mean for my comfortable, cushy life. How much easier it would be if God held my head against that cloudy mirror so I had to see Him as clearly as I could. How easy it would be if He lay a breadcrumb path for me to follow through this life. If he told me what to say and how to act specifically in every situation.